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I'm afraid.
My greatest fear is creating a circumstance in my life, and the life of my posterity, that I will regret throughout the remainder of life (and eternity). I've grown up all my life hearing statistics quoted of people who have 'taken the same path' and have become regretful of irreversable consequences. I do not want to re-create such a dilemma with my own dear children and their children, ad nauseum.
Can I be brutally honest? I'm afraid of walking entirely away from the anabaptist heritage/lifestyle which I have been handed. While I find myself continually frustrated to the point of insanity with it, I'm afraid of losing it also. What will my children 'look' like in a few years if there's no external restraint placed on their experience? What will my future generations believe if there's no tradition-based foundation to build belief upon? To what extreme will my posterity go in order to find ultimate fulfillment if there's not (dare I say) peer pressure to approve/disapprove certain activities?
These questions are absolutely absurd, and I know it; nevertheless, lately my heart has been almost locked-up with worry about them. Why is it so hard to let go of some things? Coupled with the fear, and compounding it no doubt, is the fact that seemingly 3-5 times a day I keep hearing the Casting Crowns song, Slow Fade. Every time I hear the chorus I almost shudder in panic.
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade,
choices are made,
a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade.
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- brother_barabbas
- Eldorado, Ohio, United States
- Who am I? It has nothing to do with who I am! I am the one in whom dwells no good thing. I am as the grass of the field, here one day and ground into flour the next. I am the disciple who Jesus loved! Why, not because of who I am, but because of what HE's done! It has everything to do with what HE's done! He sealed my pardon with His blood! He bought me back from the slave auction, by giving His life. He's done it all! He continually intercedes on my behalf to the Father!
Brains I Pick
32 comments:
It does seem that the love/loathe of our GB ethnicity afflicts many of us "30-somethings", but I doubt it is unique. I know other Mennonites and New Order Amish families in our area have similar problems.
After a dozen years, I have found peace (mostly) in blending my GB upbringing with the Menno and Hutterite families in our area. On any Sunday, the church attendance reflects this amalgamation. We police our own families regarding ourward expression and absolutely do not harness visitors or other church attenders with a particular lifestyle.
We all try our best to hold the customs in an open palm, not a closed fist. Unfortunately, several families learned this in a most painful way with their offspring. Others, were able to glean wisdom from watching the struggle.
For my next generation, I have started a memory/photo book, to try and circumvent the fears you voice in this post. To hold onto something known to be temporary is madness, yet we are human.
I could have written this post. When you resolve this in your own mind..could you share?
Thanks for being brutally honest.
Seth and I just read it. The whole piece was like we were thinking out loud. We feel the pressure... Lord, don't let us all drown in a sea of relativism. Jesus...the name that calms our fears...
Aaron,
It is a hard decision. I feel for you and your wife.
Good post Aaron, I could, but I guess I don’t share those fears.
Relevant to the fear seems this, quoted from the post: “What will my children 'look' like in a few years if there's no external restraint placed on their experience?”
Neither you and Renita, nor Trent and Rachel, or Robin and I have lifted “all” external restraint from your children’s experience.
“What will my future generations believe if there's no tradition-based foundation to build belief upon?”
Again, to achieve “no tradition-based foundation” you would have to completely ignore your children, but that’s simply NOT happening for anyone that I know.
“To what extreme will my posterity go in order to find ultimate fulfillment if there's not peer pressure to approve/disapprove certain activities?”
Ahhh… it would be interesting to see your list of “certain activities.” Would it be found in Exodus 20? Probably it would go beyond that, but how far?
I really do think it would be interesting to see your list of “certain activities.”
Even without that list though, I think you’re raising your children, by example at least, to live accountable to their peers, and to their seniors, especially to those peers and seniors who hold to faith in Yahweh in the way of Yeshua.
I think that we underestimate the provision of Yahweh’s spirit to guide our friends and children. We grew up, I dare say, in a culture that placed almost zero confidence in Yahweh’s spirit to personally guide us… we were never trained to trust Yahweh… instead we were trained to trust in the checks and balances of an order of rules and superiors who would justify some really unbiblical means to the end that everyone would conform to some totally extra-biblical statutes.
So, in your worst daycare (nightmare?) what do you imagine your children “looking like?” Worldly? Perhaps you’re conjuring up images of daisy dukes and halter tops at family gatherings. Do you really think it impossible to instruct and guide in a way that would curb those kinds of extremes without the insurance of pairs of deacons on call with the power to “set back from communion?”
What’s more, if they (those in our tutelage) have never really learned the principles of Yahweh in the way of Yeshua for themselves, what sort of shining lights and savor of salt are they in the earth for the glory of God? If it’s just gossips, busybodies, and deacons that keep the way to the tree of life how is our hope greater than that of the unbelieving or the unfaithful?
typo: my third paragraph should read "our children's experience" - but in a slight sense I suppose "your children's experience" could apply
well, i think we need to chat again, but face to face, i'll be back for erika's wedding (whenever that will be) and we'll hook up
I think that we underestimate the provision of Yahweh’s spirit to guide our friends and children.
Bingo, Sam!
I know that, but like I told Rachel tonite in a private conversation, that looks good on paper but unfortunately my heart can't read.
reading with understanding....'Guide us o Thou Great Jehovah...' it is truly an eye-opening and yes, scarey thing to try to figure it all out!
Couple things come to my mind:
1. More than any prayer I have ever prayed in the last 24 years, it has been, "May my children honor you, in whatever fellowship they choose." Pray. Pray. Pray.
2. We have a political figure in our area that was raised OGBB. He told a good friend of his, that one thing he misses, more than any other, is the fact that when you are OGBB, you are pretty assured your children will be OGBB and you will worship and commune together. In my opinion, that was then, this is now. It doesn't seem to work out that way, now.
3. If you have ANY bitterness when you change fellowships, your children will see/hear that and their life will manifest that. Be sure you are pure and undefiled towards the OGBB fellowship. That you left because the LORD led you and not your own desires.
I'll be back.
i want to comment but it's time for me to be in bed...so, i will mull this over and get back with you later.
The very number of people in the system who do not know Jesus Christ as their Savior and who misunderstand the Gospel are proof that your heritage is no guarantee of salvation.
And neither was mine.
dude, if the church we choose could guarantee the salvation and faithful devotion of our children, the verse would not read, "it is by grace you have been saved," but would instead say, "it is by the heritage/tradition/congregation you choose that you have been saved."
swallow your pride and realize it is God who saves your children...not you. (and you know me well enough to know I am not saying you lack a roll. plant the seed. plant the seed. plant the seed. let Him create the increase.)
and...dare i say it:
it is God who keeps you saved, not you.
Honestly, I am glad I am not a man. What a burden you carry to lead!
"I've grown up all my life hearing statistics quoted of people who have 'taken the same path' and have become regretful of irreversable consequences."
I've heard as many statistics of those who have neglected to "take the same path" and have agonized over those consequences.
Arlene is right "that was then..." If it even was then.. I think it was an illusion even then.
Danny is right, it is by Yahweh's favor that we are made whole - whole or (saved) enough to live righteously in the anointed Yeshua, in the world.
What "path" have we taken? It used to bother me when people said: "I know where you're at... I know what you're going through... I've seen that happen a thousand times." How could anyone possibly know?
As for Robin and I and our children we serve Yahweh who we believe is the living God, we serve him in the way we believe to be Yeshua, not in the anabaptist way, not in the emergent way... in the way of Yeshua... and we have no confidence in the flesh.
Phi 3.3
Anybody want to guess what was the first song I heard this morning?
Unbelievable!
Wow! I hadn't took the time to read any of your blogs until just now and was quite astounded! Will look forward to reading more in the future!
i'm back...and totally frustrated! i wrote and scribbled and wrote some more and everything i thought i would say is stuff you already know. you know that it's grace alone that saves, you know that the inward heart will reflect outwardly, you know ___________... aaron, you are right! your questions are absolutely absurb! :)i suppose we all struggle to varying degrees about the choices our children make, but since when will an anabaptist heritage/lifestyle assure them of ANYTHING??? Not one single question you asked has anything to do with submission to Jesus Christ and His coming to earth fully man and fully God to nail the sins of humanity on the Cross for us. So in that respect, i don't understand the fear. You can focus on handing your kids a heritage/lifestyle, you can narrow in on what they "look" like, you can establish a list of external rules, you can build on a tradition-based foundation, you can place your confidence in peer pressure for approval/disapproval of "certain activities". Sure, go ahead and do that and trust me, you will soon know what REAL fear is! THEN you will have something to worry about. Let me ask you, is your fear and doubt based on what Christ might be thinking of you or is your panic caused by what man might think?
Sunday's sermon concluded with the thought that everything about my life must be given back to God. EVERYTHING! finances-careers-CHILDREN-marriage. I cannot look at anything as though it is mine. Your children are not yours, aaron. You cannot save them. You cannot force salvation to happen based on what YOU hand them...it's not about you (or me). It's not about traditions and rules and externals and approval and blah, blah, blah!
This quote is the scariest of all: "when you are OGBB, you are pretty assured your children will be OGBB and you will worship and commune together". What in the world kind of assurance is THAT?? That's not assurance!
The Casting Crowns song has nothing to do with the questions you asked.
"God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved me, even when I was dead in my transgressions, made me alive together with Christ (by grace I have been saved)!" THAT'S what i'm talkin' 'bout!
By the way, what is it that you are afraid of losing?
I just read your blog and can say I have felt the feelings you have expressed in Slow Fade. I wonder how long we will feel like we control any part of our lives? I grew up feeling like the GB thing was the Only Way. I am sorry to say I encouraged that thought in my family and friends for several years. I AM FREE!! To whom do we give the credit for ... Read Moreour salvation? Our parents? The GB Church? Friends? I would proclaim salvation through Christ alone! Can God still save who he would? Of course! it is almost ridiculous to ask the question. Why do we feel like there has to be man- rules for us to live a seperate life and a God-filled life? are we afraid of the freedom God has extended to us and would we rather be bound by law? Or do we have to have traditions to make us feel accepted of God? It is the human condition. We feel better when we have controls in place. It is a challenge that all who have left will face. I pray for VICTORY!!!!
Bless your honesty, brother. You and Renita are good and godly parents.
Brother Barabbas,
I've heard your story. You may feel like you're falling prey to the possibility of becoming another statistic, but in reality you're creating your own world (as each of us ultimately do). You're a product of your own choices. You've walked away from the culture and tradition. No one forced you to go, you choose to go. You're welcome back at any time, as I'm sure you are aware.
Why did you go? No doubt you had your reasons, and undoubtedly they were good reasons in your own mind. I can't help but wonder of you weren't falling prey to the statistic of following the peer pressure. Many (if not most) of your friends had/have left. Now you're on the outside expressing fear.
One thing we learn from history is this.....we don't learn from history. If I'm not mistaken your very own parents walked this path for a few years and made the good decision to return to their heritage. I know others in your extended family (some of which grew up right here in Kansas) who have left and their families have scattered, splintered and become the very thing you fear. Has history shown anything at all?
Perhaps fear is a God-given prompting to keep you from straying too far from the simplicity of the gospel and the long-established, simple interpretation of the Brethren.
I only offer these thoughts for your consideration.
not to be argumentative...
but i think some of the distinctions you are referring to are more an issue of the pietism than the anabaptist elements of the schwarzenau brethren.
Aaron, I understand your concerns ~ any of us who have left the GB church have wrestled with similar thoughts to some degree, I expect. Our grandchildren were our biggest concern ~ the trauma they might experience with their peers about their grandparents' change, etc. But the Lord comforted us with a verse ~ and I don't know if it is out of context or not ~ it doesn't matter. The point is, it was comfort for us. Isaiah 59:21. It reminded us that it has nothing to do with what we can do ~ it is the Lord who saves and keeps us ~ and by His Holy Spirit constrains us. He will do the same for our children and grandchildren. He is able; He is faithful. Just guide their little hearts toward Him ~ plant the seeds and water them. He will take care of the increase. There is a lot of good advice in the previous comments. May the Lord comfort your heart and grant you peace.
Jesus taught that controlling the flesh WITH flesh will yield flesh fruit.. and God does not reward the works of the flesh.
You expressed an agony that I understand.
Just about every thought I had regarding your post was expressed in others' comments. One additional thought does occur to me, though. That is simply this: you need to get out more, Bro. You need to spend some more time with some Christian families who are completely outside of the anabaptist/brethren culture. It seems to me that you need to have some reassurance that there is thriving dynamic godly life in folks who have never even heard of Schwarzenau or German Baptists or Anabaptists or even "Brethren". You'll never really understand that Jesus is ALL you need until He is all you have.
It's easy to sort this all out after your children are grown and you realize how miserably you failed them as parents and yet there is so much good in them. God does great things in the lives of our children in spite of us rather than because of us. As a young mom, I spent way too much time trying to figure out the "best" way to parent rather than simply having fun with them and learning to know who they really were.
Linda
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." 1 John 4:18
I have to agree with davidpendleton. Most of my thoughts have already been expressed. Like Brother Sam said "...we underestimate the provision of Yahweh’s spirit to guide..." This is the Truth. The Spirit of Jesus is the Spirit of Love and those who are perfected in Love have nothing to fear.
However, I know that nothing that is said here on this page of coded ones and zeros will give you any direction. That must come from the One and only Father of Life. I will be praying for you.
We of the Anabaptist tradition have much to be thankful for. We are thankful for our Godly upbringing, we are thankful for friends all over the brotherhood, we are thankful that we found Jesus Christ there.
My concern has always been, and still is, Anabaptist traditon and history saves nobody. The only person who has had the power and will always have the power to save is Jesus Christ and him cruciied. We have heard it beaten into our heads, watch out for your children, they lose all they've been given so quickly.
I must say that I have always known Jesus (head knowledge) but I have just recently found him (heart knowledge). As men we can only judge externally, God looks at the heart!! How is your heart is it right with God? Jesus Christ is our only salvation, has been and always will be!! A redeemed follower of Jesus Christ saved, santified and fully redeemed. My reservation has already been paid and I'm waiting for the eternal promise, the battle continues!!
Yeah... Conforming and performing for any anabaptist group has no meaning... Nothing besides the changing power of jesus christ will be anything other than filthy rags... My mom's family history is pentacostal christians. Real relationship with god christians... I'm proud of my history, and pray that that relationship with jesus will radiate in my life, and in the life of my kids... Although we can't force our kids to get saved- - i've witnessed instances where prayer works.
Do I regret my heritage? Do I regret my history? Absolutely not. But do I want to go back? Not in a million years.
I look at my younger siblings and I see all that they have going for them. I see the growth and the change in them, just in 1 year. I have watched them become free and I have watched them fly, and I all I can say is that God is simply amazing. The places that they are now, probably would not have occurred without change.
My only regret is that I did not get to be in their place sooner, and that I did not get to experience what they are experiencing now. It makes me wonder where I would be if only....
But the change in my own life is amazing too. I have stretched way beyond what I thought, and I am simply excited for the possibility of what is to come....
Stretching, and growth and change, are all components needed to become more like HIM!!
There's much merit in your concerns. And those are some of the reasons we haven't made a change yet. Yes, it is only through faith in the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ that saves us. I was a baptized member for many years before I came to know Jesus in a deeper way with the assurance of my salvation. I probably have more Spiritual freedom than many GBs because I see freedom as a start of mind, and I am very free in Christ. On the other hand I'm thankful for the support group of this denomination. I'm excited about the growth of our arm of the church and I see good changes ahead. Sounds like there was huge numbers of GBs gathered last night in different parts of the brotherhood for an evening of worship, praise and prayer and for direction for our people. Someone said there were around 500 gathered in Ohio last night. Hearts are hungry and the Holy Spirit is moving in our midst! PTL!
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