Tuesday, February 21, 2012

What's Going On Inside of Me?

To say I am conflicted is to drastically understate the turmoil I feel in my spirit. I have recently known a season of spiritual warfare and confusion unlike anything I’ve known in my Christian experience. As a result of this experience I find myself asking questions I never dreamed I’d ask. Questions like, 'What’s going on inside of me?'

Inside my head I know certain things to be true which barely ‘feel’ true anymore. Inside my heart I know certain other things to feel true which every ‘wise counselor’ assures me are false. Honestly, what’s going on inside of me? Is my heart lying to me? Am I not permitted to have the feelings of safety and encouragement; or is my head (and all the wise counselors) lying to me? It just seems like a huge convoluted mess.

My heart deceives me, I know. Recently I have even allowed my heart to deceive me to the degree of leading me into an area of sinful disobedience; an area in which I couldn’t believe I found myself. My heart is depraved, yes, and that depravity is deep. Does this mean that I cannot find solace and comfort from the pain?

Similarly, my head’s commitment to truth becomes cold and academic; almost clinical. Surely there’s a Truth that lies somewhere between my heart’s depravity and my head’s intellectual approach. Surely Jesus is in the business of dispelling darkness and lifting fog. Surely He can answer the question of what’s going on inside of me.

27 comments:

Esther said...

Dearest Brother,

I hereby confess that I am, as my friends call me, a "creeper". I enjoy reading about the experiences of others and identifying with their humanity... it makes me feel less alone. In my "creeping" of blogs today, I happened upon your blog.

My heart was grabbed at your first sentence. As I continued reading, I felt as if you were scripting portions of my own life. I too, find myself questioning SO much of what I believed to be true all of my life. I still believe most of what I KNOW is truth... today that certainty rests in one word, one name, Jesus. That's all I really know most days.

May I tell you that your vulnerability and transparency are rare indeed; and are to be commended. But we ALL have hidden places in our hearts that even we cannot see in our own selves... that's why we MUST cling to Jesus. I confess, I am saying this somewhat hypocritically because I am trying to walk this out as well.

My heart is aching for you as I feel like I know exactly what you are going thtough... your writing it quite transparent...

I do not know much anymore, but I do KNOW that our God is FOR us, He is SO FOR you, and that He will do whatever it takes to keep us close to Him because as a good Father, He KNOWS what is best, whether we "feel" like it our not.

I hope I did not "intrude" on your private thoughts here... I will pray for you as the Lord leads me.

I hope to see you again here in "bloggisphere"!

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