What's Going On Inside of Me?

To say I am conflicted is to drastically understate the turmoil I feel in my spirit. I have recently known a season of spiritual warfare and confusion unlike anything I’ve known in my Christian experience. As a result of this experience I find myself asking questions I never dreamed I’d ask. Questions like, 'What’s going on inside of me?'

Inside my head I know certain things to be true which barely ‘feel’ true anymore. Inside my heart I know certain other things to feel true which every ‘wise counselor’ assures me are false. Honestly, what’s going on inside of me? Is my heart lying to me? Am I not permitted to have the feelings of safety and encouragement; or is my head (and all the wise counselors) lying to me? It just seems like a huge convoluted mess.

My heart deceives me, I know. Recently I have even allowed my heart to deceive me to the degree of leading me into an area of sinful disobedience; an area in which I couldn’t believe I found myself. My heart is depraved, yes, and that depravity is deep. Does this mean that I cannot find solace and comfort from the pain?

Similarly, my head’s commitment to truth becomes cold and academic; almost clinical. Surely there’s a Truth that lies somewhere between my heart’s depravity and my head’s intellectual approach. Surely Jesus is in the business of dispelling darkness and lifting fog. Surely He can answer the question of what’s going on inside of me.